Dealer Mike Weiss is so full of generosity he can’t stop giving shit away. Last week, the gallery owner announced that he’d purchased a truckload of Benny’s Saturday, outside the gallery, from 12-6 PM, for art lovers to celebrate National Ice Cream Day. If you went out to Chelsea that day, it’s probably only because you were lured there over the promises of free ice cream.
But nothing’s really free is it? Mike Weiss’ prank on us all was to hand visitors a list of terms for how they’re allowed to consume it. The document ranges from cute, releasing the gallery from liability of “brain freeze” and “tooth cavity,” to poor taste, citing that the deal ends with “expulsion from [your] poop hole.” There’s a lot more where that came from.
He’s also posted a giant list of who’s not allowed to have ice cream, which we’re guessing, in the season of jokingly prejudiced summer shows and art world BBQs, is Mike Weiss’ own brand of off-color VIP block party. It revealed everything from the innocuous snubbing of Jeff Koons (but not his assistants) to actual snobbery– artists who didn’t graduate art school, and, mysteriously, members of the Bruce High Quality Foundation. It’s weird, but there’s ice cream involved, so whatever.
Shit gets real, though, when Weiss’ punchlines aim for casual sexism. Gallery girls can’t have ice cream, because they can only eat salad. You can multiply that cringe worthiness knowing the 2009 incident when Weiss fired registrar Meghann Snow after two days because he didn’t like her outfit or her non-perky attitude. Add to that, Weiss advertised the event with a full spread of photos of tweeny-looking Gossip Girls sucking face over an ice cream cone, subtitled: “FREE ICE CREEAAM!” and an intern-aged gallery girl with a snow cone labelled “SOMEONE FED THE GALLERINAS TODAY. BAD ELLEN!” Welcome to the art world, bitches.
For reference, here’s the full list of who’s not allowed to have ice cream:
By consuming the ice cream, you agree to the release of liability at the bottom of the page.
Mike Weiss Gallery does not allow people with sticky hands in the gallery. Please clean your hands before entering the gallery.
Ice cream is not allowed inside the gallery. Air conditioning inside the gallery will slow the melting process and assist you in extending your enjoyment of your ice cream, but we cannot abide confections of any kind to come near the priceless art works. It’s simply not worth the risk.
NO Fakers are EVER allowed inside the gallery, especially not on National Ice Cream Day.
NO ice cream for Super Storm Sandy adjusters.
NO cones for artists who did not finish art school.
ONLY one scoop allowed for artist Fred Tomaselli.
NO ice cream for members of Bruce High Quality Foundation.
ANYONE from Horton Gallery is not allowed to partake in the free ice cream. The reasons why are known only to the director and a certain artist at Horton Gallery.
NO ice cream for any artist that works with yarn.
IF you feel sick or nauseous, go ahead and eat the ice cream. It will help settle your stomach.
NOTHING for Freight and Volume owner, Nick Lawrence.
NO strawberry ice cream for Red Haired girls under nine.
NO ice cream for any hedge fund guys.
NO ice cream for girls in the gallery, salad only.
NO ONE from Mathew Marks gallery is allowed any ice cream, ever.
IF you are wearing flip flops, just turn around, go walk on the High Line and get a paleta. And hey, buddy, grow up!
NO ice cream for Jeff Koons, his assistants are welcome to enjoy double scoops.
Limit one per customer, unless you sneak back in line to get another one.
You will be required to agree to the following:
I, the consumer of the free ice cream, do hereby release and forever discharge Mike Weiss Gallery, their agents, employees, successors and assigns, and their respective heirs, personal representatives, affiliates, successors and assigns, and any and all persons, firms or corporations liable or who might be claimed to be liable, whether or not herein named, none of whom admit any liability to the undersigned, but all expressly denying liability, from any and all claims, demands, damages, actions, causes of action or suits of any kind or nature whatsoever, which I now have or may hereafter have, arising out of or in any way relating to any and all injuries and damages of any and every kind, to both person and property, and also any and all injuries and damages that may develop in the future, as a result of or in any way relating to the following: consumption of ice cream. Mike Weiss Gallery is released from any liability, which may include, but is not limited to: brain freeze, vomiting, intestinal failure, deep thrombosis, tooth cavity, violent outburst from sugar rush, lactose intolerance symptoms, surfer’s ear, memory loss, rash, bleeding, gum disease, shoes untied, grossly enlarged eyelids, mental illness, knock knees, high cholesterol, jaundice, cauliflower ear, hammer toe, balding, frozen nipples, swiss cheese face or moldy skin.
It is understood and agreed that expulsion of digested ice cream through the poop hole is a full and complete settlement and satisfaction of the causes of action, claims and demands mentioned herein; that this Release contains the entire agreement between the parties; and that the terms of this Agreement are contractual and not merely a recital. Furthermore, this Release shall be binding upon consumption of the ice cream, and includes consumer’s respective heirs, executors, administrators, personal representatives, successors and assigns. This Release shall be subject to and governed by the laws of the State of New York. Cameron Gray and Birth of a Legend did not come up with any of this nonsense. It was all Mike Weiss. He’s a neurotic workaholic who is secretly obsessed with all things Ronald Reagan and will do anything to bolster his legacy.