There comes a time in a young critic’s life—after hours spent seeking meaning in a press release about Lady Gaga’s latest Jeff Koons partnership, or in a comment hole under leaked photos of George Bush bathroom portraits, or when you turn down the volume on the Gaza Strip news to snicker at some poor bastard’s social media faux pas—when you wonder: why am I doing this? What’s it all for? What gnarled life path has led me to arrive at this soulless place?
In lieu of really good reasons (there are none), The Onion’s film critic Peter K. Rosenthal at least has militant resolve to finish this doomed crusade. His review of “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” might speak to the critics who’ve suffered one too many celebrity blockbusters:
Fucking feed me, because you sons of bitches sure can’t beat me. Why?
35 years as a film critic, that’s why. Three film studies degrees, that is fucking why.
You think I’m just going to roll over because some ballbags threw some ape movie at me? You’re kidding yourselves if you think I can’t find some trenchant sociopolitical critique in this little monkey cumrag.
He’s also in the “Planet of the Apes” series.