Last Tuesday, Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger set up publishing maverick Judith Regan with a couple of dudes. Regan – the genius behind Howard Stern's Private Parts, Jenna Jameson's How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, and, most infamously, the O.J. Simpson not-memoir If I Did It – gave Stanger clear instructions: “Someone like Bruce Vilanch“. Stanger’s choice for a man like Vilanch – an overweight, exuberantly gay comedian – was “John”, a chronic joketeller who looks like Fred Durst. Google Images’s choice was the Muppet Sweetums. Regan and John visited the Museum of Sex on their first date.
The day went well enough, but I doubt any viewer left thinking Regan and John were going to be an item. He’s no catch, and like all the other candidates tabled by Stanger, none of them shared her BACKGROUND IN ART. Regan has a English and Art History from Vassar College and attended The School of The Museum of Fine Art in Boston.
AFC can do better than Millionaire Matchmaker, and we’re going to prove it. Together with Tomorrow Museum‘s Joanne McNeil I decided to table a few artists as dating possibilities for Regan. Not all of them are single, but we’ll work on that. Give us your vote for best match, and AFC will do everything we can to make this date a reality!
Seminal performance artist turned architect Vito Acconci is perfect for Judith Regan. His super sexy voice is bound to appeal — Regan also has a career as a radio host — and Acconci spent a bunch of time in 1972 under a floor in Sonnabend masturbating as he fantasized about the gallery’s visitors. That’s hot.
There’s a small risk of a generation gap here, but for Judith I’m sure we can bridge it. Cory Arcangel is well known in art circles for his humor and we think Judith would dig the net angle. After all, Arcangel is the man behind dooogle, a search engine that returns only results for Doogie Houser. This is pretty tame for a woman like Regan, but if Arcangel upped the kink just a little, he’d be in for good.
Christo’s back on the market, and he’s got an ass ready to be tapped. We’re not sure what his type is, but since his recently deceased wife Jean-Claude was known to be incredibly detail oriented and exacting, we’re guessing Judith Regan will fit that bill.
Like a few other men on this list, artist Nate Hill is currently spoken for, but I think we could squeeze a date out of him anyway. If Regan has a yet to be articulated Panda fetish, Hill will bring that out!
Michael Smith could be the perfect match for Regan. The artist splits his time between New York and Texas, and has shown at nearly every major institution in the city as well as a few comedy clubs. Regan’s unlikely to respond to Smith’s Baby Ikki persona — that’s just creepy — but we think they’d hit off regardless.
What’s sexier than a man bopping his head from side to side before attempting to eat his cat? Apparently Bruce Vilanch, but Millionaire Matchmaker already established that that match wasn’t going to happen. As such, head bopper and Awl co-founder Choire Sicha has a chance. He may be a little too conventionally styled for the likes of Regan, but he’s gay, funny and in the publishing world himself. Sure, he’s not an artist, but nobody’s perfect.
(The poll is now closed, thanks for voting!)